Performance Review Time

First quarter at my company means performance review time. Today I was asked to write a self-assessment of my 2008 performance so I read through cherished old emails from project leaders and peers (I keep these in a special folder called 'praise/review time'), jotted a few notes about my accomplishments, and finally searched the internet for inspiration. So here are a few gems I came across on a humor site:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should not be allowed to breed."
"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

Let's keep our finger's crossed that I get a nice fat raise and an equally attractive bonus, but the reality is that the economy is kind of in the toilet right now so I am happy just to have such a great job...oh, but I still want a raise anyway.